Sharknado

So I haven't written much this year. I have no clue why. I am definitely not too busy. I will get to my backlog. I promise. But first...

My son, Ian, and I share a love for cheesy movies, especially Sharknado. Number 5 recently came out, and we still have not seen it. Total crime of the century! But when I went to go write this blog, this is the only song I could think of that would be perfect - the Sharknado Theme Song. This is in honor of Ian. My Ian. Not Ian Zerling of the movie. And totally pronounced differently!

Since 2012, Ian has been a swimmer. It started at our country club where he caught the bug. He is not the fastest kid in the pool - never has been. However, he swims his best every time. He works hard and gives 110%. I don't have all of his times over the years, but I am impressed every time he hits the water. Like his and his father's favorite team he is a dolphin when he swims. Or should I say shark to go with the song? Anyway, I am so proud of his accomplishments. Also since 2012, I have never missed a race. That is until today. Let me give you some background before you string me up.

Throughout Ian's swim "career" he has had competitions in The States, in Switzerland, and in Brazil. He has had to learn to swim in each of these countries as techniques are a bit different in each. He has also had to learn the language really fast (outside the US of course) in order to do what his coaches and meet officials have asked. It has not always been easy. He has not always understood. And he has been disqualified many times until he figured it out. He has persevered that is for sure. Now in Brazil, he at least has coaches who speak a bit of English or there are school helpers there to translate for the kids. I am not worried about this, though. He has pretty decent Portuguese. When we arrived here I was worried about Ian's sports choices. With Javi it was easy. Jujitsu studios are like Starbucks, one on every corner. But not so with swim schools. And those that are here follow the Brazilian school time schedule, which is different than the international schools'. What would Ian do? Luckily the school the boys attend was developing a swim team! Last year was their first. With a new athletics director 2017 has started so much better. Hence today and me missing the meet.

Why are you missing the meet? Well to be fair, I missed the school meets in Switzerland too. I think there were two. But parents were not invited to those. I was not invited to this one either. But, that is because it is in Santiago, Chile. Yes, my son is in Chile! Without me! So rude of him! Oh parents, by the way, your son has a swim meet. It's in Chile and you can't come. Too bad, so sad. How cool is that, though? My child has had the opportunity to swim in competitions in 4 countries now. The experiences he is getting are remarkable and blow my mind. This meet has kids from around South America - Peru, Ecuador, Argentina, Uruguay, Brazil and Chile. Again, mind blown! So far so good as well. In a group of 20 kids his age he has been coming in 7th in his races so far. We still have a few to go this afternoon and tomorrow. All I can say is I am proud of you baby, and .... Just keep swimming...!

OneRepublic - Something I Need

My husband is the best. He is who I want to spend time doing everything and nothing with. Why is he the best? Well, this is how the conversation last week went....


Babe, I have a surprise for you.

Really what is it?

A surprise. I am having it shipped from the States.

Okay. I need a new phone. Is it a new phone?

No, better than a new phone.

Is it chocolate?

Better than chocolate.

Better than a phone and chocolate? IS IT A PAIR OF SHOES!!!!?

Nope. Better than a phone, better than chocolate, and better than a pair of shoes.

Hmm..... what could it be....

And it is good for you.

NO WAY! YOU DIDN'T! A BOX OF YELLOW BOX CHEERIOS!

No. A case.

This man gets me like no other. How can I not love him to the depths of my being.

The blackfly song

There is a song for everything! I even found one about a black fly. In Brazil they are called bashu.... something. The song is about North Ontario. But we went to Ilha Bela. The song would work there too.

So I wanted to go to Ilha Bela since last time we lived here. We watched, shall we say, a home movie? Sure, that will work. We watched a home movie that was filmed on the island. It looked really pretty. Yes, the island. So after Easter there was another holiday the next weekend. Perfect time to go. I have to say the island is really pretty. sorta. Kind of like the Keys I guess. Very relaxed and laid back. But the beaches are dirty. Well the water. The beaches? Full of sand fleas and black flies. I did not know this when I booked. I do not like bugs.

So we headed out Friday after Easter. It is only 3.5 hours away. It took almost 7 hours to get to our hotel. Next. We had an awesome room! I mean it was really a small house, very nice. The two other couples we went with? Well not so much. Point 3, it rained. A lot. First night, the waiter at the restaurant dropped some glasses and spilled water on my son's feet. Next night, different restaurant but extremely delicious, same kid got a whole bottle of beer AND water spilled down his back. The waitress tripped. He was really great about it actually. She was so embarrassed and apologized left and right. Och, no worries! He did get a free t-shirt out of it since he was soaked. They made a very big deal about it never having been worn. Hmm.... The food took a bit. We joked it was because the cook didn't have a shirt and he was not comfy half naked and cooking.

But we had one gorgeous day at the beach before the rain snuck in. Minus the fleas.

Yes that is a guy on his paddle board with his dog. It was very lovely. But I will never, ever, never go back.

Sand flea bites. Even the bottom of my foot. Because why would you spray the bottom if you are wearing flip flops? Well, because the bugs crawl under them and eat you. Lovely. I counted 30. This was 5 days after. Best pictures I could get. Sorry. We are at 3 weeks maybe? They are just stopping itching. Yes, I used Skin So Soft, the US version of OFF! because it has deet, and citronella cream. Still bitten. But this is not the worst. What was bad was seeing these lovely, and not so lovely, ladies in the brazil teeny weeny bikinis with bites. All. Over. Their. Butts! Yes, imagine a cute girl in a non-existent suit covered in these suckers. Really, no cream ladies? Imagine them also coming back to Sao Paulo and scratching their asses at work. It's funny if you really think about it.

All Night Long (All Night)

There is no other perfect song for Carnival than Lionel Richie's "All Night Long." Because that is what the participants do. They dance All. Night. Long.

What happened to the days when we could go out to TJ's in Gainesville and wait until after 2 am when they let the under 21ers in? We would get there at 1:30 in the morning to get in line and dance until 5, go home to sleep a bit and be ready for lunch and another get together. Ahh the good old days. Now? I want my bed by 10 pm. No late nighters for me anymore. Heck last night I think we fell asleep at 9:30! We are so old. But, my hubby wanted to go to Carnival. We are in Sao Paulo. We did not do this the last time because the boys were really young, and we did not have a sitter. I probably could have found one, but I am neurotic. I would not have had fun because I would have been thinking about them the whole time. Now, I am still neurotic, but they know what to do in emergency situations. I think. Or at least I hope.

So Sao Paulo Carnival. Muito Bom! Wow it was fun! We did the camerote. Which means for an obscene amount of money, or slightly less than obscene, you get to go to a convention center where there is free food and drinks and alcohol. Yes, free buffet of all.

Who wouldn't love that bar! Then they bus you to the sambodromo where there is more free food and drink to watch the parade until 6 am. Then you go back to the convention center for breakfast and off home you go. Did I mention it started at 11 pm? Yes, after me bedtime.

So we got there around 8 or 9, can't remember. Ate like pigs and drank like fish. Wait, do fish drink? Maybe a better term is drink like a camel? I don't know. Then we got on the bus to go to the parade route. And ate and drank more. I can't even describe the people around us. Let's just say we think some were women but weren't sure. They were dressed better than me that's for sure. Better boobs too. So not fair. Anywho, we were having a great time with our buds, enjoying the parade. It is amazing what these samba schools can put together. I will add photos at the end for you to see. Just outstanding. We were right on street level at times, and others we went up top to get a birds-ish eye view. We ended up watching 4 out of 6 schools off and on. Each school was an hour long. These participants have to sing the samba school song and dance over and over for an hour. In these heavy costumes, some of them. I was very impressed. 

I made it until 3 am. Then I fell asleep on a beanbag for about 20 minutes. The position cricked my neck and I must have done something to it because now I have a bulged disc in my cervical spine. Oops! But hey, that is my souvenir! We enjoyed it so much we are planning Rio Carnival next year. Anyone wanna join us?

We left around 4 am, got in a taxi and headed home. The poor taxi driver I think was up all the day before and that night. He was falling asleep while driving us home! Holy smokes that was scary. We, who were exhausted, were trying to keep this old guy awake for the 40 minute ride home. That I did not enjoy. But next year? Rio baby!!!

Drive

It is January, and we are finally getting our driver's licenses. You have like 6 months to get them before it gets bad if you are in an accident. Like pay the world bad. Am I ever going to drive? Not really, I have a driver to take me around and get the boys to and from school. This is really important, because I probably would have killed somebody by now. No, I will only drive on weekends to church or out on the town when my husband has had a few drinks. Also in Brazil, zero tolerance. I like this. People are very responsible here with regards to drinking and driving.

Anyway. Let's go get my license. It is raining. Of course. So I figured not too many people will be at the DMV if it is raining. No. We were wrong. The world is there. Why? Go home people! We get there at 8:30 am to meet our helper. Yes, we have someone to help take us around the DMV and the various tests to make sure we do this right. It is not like the States. Oh no. Get a load of this....

So we are there. My husband has his documents and I have mine. These include a bill with the apartment address, our federal ID card, our federal tax number, our passport, our visa, our US drivers licenses, and birth certificates along with my official marriage license. My husband does not need the ML, I just do. I think there were a few more. It is hard to remember. Now, because the US requires you to renew your license every four years other countries think you have only been driving since the newest start date. Even if you are 40+ years old. My husband renewed last Spring. Less than 8 months valid. Did he keep his old one? No, he had no reason to since it was before we knew about moving to Brazil. Brazil did not like this. He also tossed his old Brazil license. It was expired so he didn't think he would need to keep it. Brazil did not like this either. It would be very bad for a man with my husband's position to not be able to drive. There were many letters and calls back and forth regarding this. I however, kept my old license. Only because I renewed it this summer after I knew we were moving and I needed it until my new one came in. Yes, Brazil wanted to see both.

Okay, so no problem right? We turn in all the documents. Now, moving to Brazil you have to get official notarized documents, then Brazil officially authorizes that they are authentic with a big official stamp on the back. We turn in my authenticated papers with all the official stamps. Why? To get the authenticated papers re-authenticated. Yes, we waited an hour for this. Okay. I am officially re-authenticated! Next step is a health exam at a storefront around the corner, in the rain. Okay, off we trek. Blood pressure, check; mental stability, check?; balance, check; you and your husband been "good" as in "you two been cool with each other", check? You and your husband have issues?, no and why-do-you-care-you-weirdo check. Okay, my husband and I are cool with each other and doing fine in that department thank you for making me uncomfortable just to get a license Mr. Inquirer. Next comes the drivers test. No it is not a street test. It is a matching test. Yes, matching. No you are not matching driving rules, you are matching pictures and patterns. Yes, that is right. First you make hash lines until the tester gives a signal. Then you make a hyphen and go back to hashes. That's done. Next, pick out these 3 different triangles out of all of the lines that cover this sheet, which is covered in triangles. Okay, next are 3 different shaped arrows. Okay, next match the pictures with what is missing from the picture to finish it. Next, what comes next in the pattern. An hour later we are done and passed all tests. Thank the good Lord that is done. Now we go back and turn in our results. Oh and the traffic rules I need to know? No turn on red, ever. No crossing the white line by the pedestrian crossing at a traffic light. If you need to turn right from the left lane just roll down your window, stick your hand out or at least make it visible, wave at the other drivers, turn, beep your horn in thanks.

Why are the test results not automated? That would be too easy. We make our way in the rain back to the DMV. We wait. Get my re-authenticated paperwork back and turn in our results. We wait some more. Then all is kosher. So we wait in line to get our pictures taken. That done we go back to the line so we can pay. We wait 40 minutes in this line. By now it is almost noon. Lunch breaks will start to happen. We are screwed. Finally, we get to the front of the line. But wait, this is Brazil. Old peeps get to jump the line in Brazil. 4, count them 4 old peeps jump in front of us. Because all four are confused on where the other clerk told them to wait. Yes, I am serious. They left the line and stopped at our clerk to ask again. All 4 of them! They should not be driving if they can't get those simple directions down. Come On! Okay. Finally we are done. Please sign this paper so the helper representative can come back and pick up your licenses. When will they be done? 45 days. What???? It is a piece of paper! It is not even laminated or a card or anything. 45 days to get a piece of paper? You can print it out now!

Five hours after we arrive, we leave to wait on the DMV. Five hours.....

So, who's going to drive you home? I will. In approximately 45 days.

Caribbean Queen

Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat! If the goose is me that is. Brazilian food is just too good so dieting it is!

A good way to diet is to book an American Airlines flight for Christmas Day. Why? Because they will move your reservations up by 12 hours. Yes, 12, so that you miss Noche Buena dinner and birthday cake, pa moi, because you have to be at the airport by 11 pm. Whatever. It just meant I could spend Christmas Day with my other sister of the heart, Deniece. She is married to our best friend from high school. Problem is she is a great cook, and she wanted to have ready our typical Christmas dinner. They are Jewish. We eat ham, spiral cut, honey baked to be exact. She never cooked one before, but she did an amazing job. Now they are Jews who eat ham #jewswhoeatham. You are welcome!

We had 24 hours with her and her family. And we enjoyed every drop of it. We missed them as soon as we left. But then. Then we were off to the DR.

I love the Caribbean, though I can never remember if it has two r's or 2 b's. I always go for the wrong one. Every. Single. Time. Why is that? Why can't I remember? Okay, back to the Caribe. My husband is from the Caribbean. I have to keep typing it so I can remember 2 b's. Okay, the Caribbean. God knew what he was doing when he hooked us up. I belong in the tropics. Our philosophy for vacations is... well not just vacations. We strive for this always... Ice in our drinks, not under our feet. Tough to accomplish when living in Minnesota. But, if you don't go out in the winter who cares? Hibernating is good too, just ask bears. And we don't live there at the moment so our philosophy is intact.

So the DR, our first time. It was amazing. So amazing in fact that we are going back again next New Year and conning, I mean bribing, I mean badgering, I mean bringing 3 more families along, including family! YEY!!! But this first time, we just met one set of friends and their girls. Yes, another sister of the heart. I told you I have a few. Plus my heart is big enough to shove a few more in there, no worries. If Heather is my Brit, Deniece is my Apache/Puerto Rican, then Monique is my Dutch sis. I can give the UN a run for its money!

A week with the other pea in my pod on a tropical island, a paradise really. It was easy and relaxing and fun. Breakfast, pool, drinks, pool, lunch, beach, siesta, dinner, entertainment, dancing, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. Truly a paradise with no rain in sight. Sorry Heather! Well except for 15 minutes to midnight New Years Eve. Yes, perfect timing. It chucked it down hard. But we kept dancing. Of course it shorted out the lights and music system. You should have seen this system. I think there were 8 plugs going into 3 outlets. It looked like the outlet in A Christmas Story. Ugh I can't share the image. Well google Christmas Story electrical Outlet in images, you will see what I am talking about. But, being the experts in jerry rigging at the time, they had it sorted and up and running with 2 minutes to spare. Good timing guys! Then I think like 30 minutes of awesome fireworks. The resort did it up nice.

I had a blast, and rang in the new year in the best way possible, with friends who are family, a sexy husband whom I love tremendously, and two teenage boys who smiled a few times. It was tough to leave. A few tears were shed, but like I said, we will be back next year!

Blame It On the Rain

So in November my friend came to visit. I have been very lucky to meet several ladies I consider sisters of my heart. In the next few entries you will hear about a few of them. Here is the first.

So Heather is coming to visit. I am so excited! I have so much planned, but we are limited by time and my boys in school. So we need to work around pick up schedules. I could do that! I had her Yorkshire tea ready. We would go to dance class, to the outdoor market. We would go to lunch and see a few parts of the city. And I would take her to the beach for the weekend where we could sit in the sand and have people bring us drinks and food and not have to move an inch. Excellent plan! But what happens to the best laid plans? Yes, they go to shit.

So Heather is British and my friend from Switzerland. It was her first time in my lovely adopted country. What does it do 95% of the time she is here? Rain. Yes the British girl got rain. We went to the pool. Rain. If I even said the word pool, it started to get cloudy and rain. We went to lunch. Rain. We went to the beach for the weekend. Rain. And not just any rain. It was sideways rain with gale force winds. I think we had only two mornings prior to the weekend where it was sunny up until 11 am. Really? Come on!

But her and her husband got to experience the real Brazil in their minimal travels around the city. So we are driving to the beach. This should only take about 1.75 hours. At 2.75 we finally get there. Kinda. So the men car got stuck on the highway. Why? Well, one it was raining. Point 2, it is Brazil, something is bound to happen. Of course it did. What happened you ask? Well they were traveling along no problem when the traffic just stopped. There was an accident. When they finally passed it, the accident was that a tree fell on a car. Yes, you read it correctly. Due to the heavy rains, there was loosened soil. A big tree fell onto a surfer's car. The dudes were fine. Their car was totalled. However, being in the girl car we did not see this. We had to pee, naturally. So we stopped. However, also being in Brazil there is no easy way to get back onto the highway from the rest stop. So we had to go on the business highway. Whatever. But we missed the accident. We did, however, get to see lakes in the middle of the road. Yes, so much rain that lakes formed in the middle of the only highway in and out of the beach area. You go slow you are fine. Or you could go fast and spray the entire population of the beach town with water. I went slow. Heather has a video of getting out of the car at the grocery store with the water mid-calf and flowing free. Plus, it was cold water and rain. Adventure is always around the corner. I believe when we were leaving the beach Heather said she was done with tropical countries and being inside an actual rain forest. It was that much water.

The only real sun came that we had was the two hours before they had to leave. That was it. If she never comes back to Brazil, I'm going to ..... Blame it on the rain, yeah yeah.

See what I did there? Haha!

The Lazy Song

As I sit and drink my coffee while I write this, I reflect over the number of people who have commented that I have not posted anything in a while. I apologize. I have been busy doing absolutely nothing. So what has happened since, what, October? Muito mucho apparently!

So in between my not much of anything, which includes spin class; yoga; sewing club; ladies club functions; mahjong club; boot camp; book club; and a myriad of lunches, you will be bombarded with several things to read.

P.S. There will be a test afterwards.