Drive

It is January, and we are finally getting our driver's licenses. You have like 6 months to get them before it gets bad if you are in an accident. Like pay the world bad. Am I ever going to drive? Not really, I have a driver to take me around and get the boys to and from school. This is really important, because I probably would have killed somebody by now. No, I will only drive on weekends to church or out on the town when my husband has had a few drinks. Also in Brazil, zero tolerance. I like this. People are very responsible here with regards to drinking and driving.

Anyway. Let's go get my license. It is raining. Of course. So I figured not too many people will be at the DMV if it is raining. No. We were wrong. The world is there. Why? Go home people! We get there at 8:30 am to meet our helper. Yes, we have someone to help take us around the DMV and the various tests to make sure we do this right. It is not like the States. Oh no. Get a load of this....

So we are there. My husband has his documents and I have mine. These include a bill with the apartment address, our federal ID card, our federal tax number, our passport, our visa, our US drivers licenses, and birth certificates along with my official marriage license. My husband does not need the ML, I just do. I think there were a few more. It is hard to remember. Now, because the US requires you to renew your license every four years other countries think you have only been driving since the newest start date. Even if you are 40+ years old. My husband renewed last Spring. Less than 8 months valid. Did he keep his old one? No, he had no reason to since it was before we knew about moving to Brazil. Brazil did not like this. He also tossed his old Brazil license. It was expired so he didn't think he would need to keep it. Brazil did not like this either. It would be very bad for a man with my husband's position to not be able to drive. There were many letters and calls back and forth regarding this. I however, kept my old license. Only because I renewed it this summer after I knew we were moving and I needed it until my new one came in. Yes, Brazil wanted to see both.

Okay, so no problem right? We turn in all the documents. Now, moving to Brazil you have to get official notarized documents, then Brazil officially authorizes that they are authentic with a big official stamp on the back. We turn in my authenticated papers with all the official stamps. Why? To get the authenticated papers re-authenticated. Yes, we waited an hour for this. Okay. I am officially re-authenticated! Next step is a health exam at a storefront around the corner, in the rain. Okay, off we trek. Blood pressure, check; mental stability, check?; balance, check; you and your husband been "good" as in "you two been cool with each other", check? You and your husband have issues?, no and why-do-you-care-you-weirdo check. Okay, my husband and I are cool with each other and doing fine in that department thank you for making me uncomfortable just to get a license Mr. Inquirer. Next comes the drivers test. No it is not a street test. It is a matching test. Yes, matching. No you are not matching driving rules, you are matching pictures and patterns. Yes, that is right. First you make hash lines until the tester gives a signal. Then you make a hyphen and go back to hashes. That's done. Next, pick out these 3 different triangles out of all of the lines that cover this sheet, which is covered in triangles. Okay, next are 3 different shaped arrows. Okay, next match the pictures with what is missing from the picture to finish it. Next, what comes next in the pattern. An hour later we are done and passed all tests. Thank the good Lord that is done. Now we go back and turn in our results. Oh and the traffic rules I need to know? No turn on red, ever. No crossing the white line by the pedestrian crossing at a traffic light. If you need to turn right from the left lane just roll down your window, stick your hand out or at least make it visible, wave at the other drivers, turn, beep your horn in thanks.

Why are the test results not automated? That would be too easy. We make our way in the rain back to the DMV. We wait. Get my re-authenticated paperwork back and turn in our results. We wait some more. Then all is kosher. So we wait in line to get our pictures taken. That done we go back to the line so we can pay. We wait 40 minutes in this line. By now it is almost noon. Lunch breaks will start to happen. We are screwed. Finally, we get to the front of the line. But wait, this is Brazil. Old peeps get to jump the line in Brazil. 4, count them 4 old peeps jump in front of us. Because all four are confused on where the other clerk told them to wait. Yes, I am serious. They left the line and stopped at our clerk to ask again. All 4 of them! They should not be driving if they can't get those simple directions down. Come On! Okay. Finally we are done. Please sign this paper so the helper representative can come back and pick up your licenses. When will they be done? 45 days. What???? It is a piece of paper! It is not even laminated or a card or anything. 45 days to get a piece of paper? You can print it out now!

Five hours after we arrive, we leave to wait on the DMV. Five hours.....

So, who's going to drive you home? I will. In approximately 45 days.